Dear Mr Ashley
I represent certain interests deep within the Indian private sector which is located in the same country that manages your porn account, um in the back office way. Hope that is going satisfactorily for you sir, and you are getting it up with a tug job and jiggle. Mmmmmmhhhhhhh.
It has come to our notice that you are selling your club in a public bid. We believe that St James Park maybe sitting on the last undiscovered reservoir of coal and natural gas in that area. Some of your players are so combustible, they might be the finest pieces of anthracite. There is also something in the air. It could be escaping gas that turns fans giddy every season. What ever it is, it promises much.
Mr Keegan said something about sticking his foot deep into someone’s arse. Is it yours, sir? The line was bad. We hasten to add, that we previously did not have such an excavation in mind. But if his theory is correct, it would of course be cheaper if you indeed, were the repository of such valuable resources. Of course, we assure you that it will be private and relatively painless. Don’t panic, we have experts in man management skills. It won’t be Velveeta but think of it as a tug job in reverse. A bottle of Cuervo helps with the oil rig. We only think of you as a small part, a very small part of the North Sea.
But first, your price is still too steep. We can’t afford not to play IPL 20/20 or not get our daughters married off. A plate of chicken tikka masala in a hotel costs a paycheck ! And contrary to what you might have heard we have no millionaires, only slumdogs. Of course, you could hand yourself and the club for free. In exchange, you and your future generations live off the royalties for the gas and coal excavated.
Carrying coals to Newcastle. You sir, gave it back meaning.
Yours sincerely,
Mangaldas Bijnoria
CEO
Blokebusters Ltd Privates